


The Sun Is Always Shining Somewhere Else

by bYeFeliciaah



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Crisis, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara deals with the loss of argo, Lena doesn’t take myriad, Loss, Mentions of Suicide, Post Reveal, Post-Crisis, Pre-Crisis, and eventually gets therapy, dw it’s not graphic just touches upon, that storyline doesn’t really exist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21784369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bYeFeliciaah/pseuds/bYeFeliciaah
Summary: ‘When she came to, Kara wondered if it’d all been a dream. One of her nightmares. But the look in Alex’s eyes spoke far more than words could, and she knew then that she’d lost her world twice over.“Why did you not stop?” The question felt weighted, like the gravity working on her body. It was evident now, now that she had something to compare it to; less gravity.“I wanted to be closer.”’After losing her planet for the second time, Kara deals with the trauma that follows, along with trying to mend her relationship with Lena.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 108
Kudos: 544





	1. The Pain Now

**Author's Note:**

> People often get swept away in the drama of trauma (myself included) but I’m hoping this story delves deeper into the trauma Kara is feeling and how she could move forwards, without getting caught up in the shock factor. 
> 
> I’m going to brush over the crisis because I haven’t actually watched it yet, so if you’re like...that doesn’t happen, I haven’t watched it!! I took inspo from how Kara reacted following Mon-el being sent away, so she’s really going through it.
> 
> I wasn’t initially inspired by the Shadowlands, which I reference a few times and is what my title is referencing, but I’m studying philosophy at the minute and I thought some quotes fit in, and added them. I’ll put the references at the end x

  
Suspended, time stilled, halted in the air like a body without gravity. The voices around her became background noise, the sound of the television when you’re falling asleep and it gets that filtered sound, muffled. She could feel each individual hair rising on her arms, the back of her neck, could feel her throat closing over, sight becoming blurred with tears all too familiar with situations like this. Loss.

A choked cry escaped her, drowned out, lost to her surroundings that had blurred into an abstract painting; paints dripping down a canvas. This tragedy couldn’t be turned into art, not again. There was a line, that line had been crossed. This trauma could never be written into poetry, expressed into words, drawn into a sketchbook. This trauma could only be felt, or not felt - surrounding an empty shell of a person. Kara didn’t know whether she’d feel, or become that empty shell. 

Argo, the last of her planet, the last of her culture, people, history, present and future, the last of everything she’d once known...was lost again. How could she recover? 

_Grief: ‘_ intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death.’ Sorrow was too loose a word to describe what Kara was feeling. Mental agony? Suffering? Lament? She didn’t know. Sorrow was a pathetic comparison. Sorrow didn’t match the crippling ache of her heart, the deep pain and guilt that coursed through her veins like blades; similar to the effects of Kryptonite. Worse. The breathlessness, desperation for air, clinging to life when you’re not sure why you’re trying to, not anymore. 

Grief wasn’t comparable to any one word in the English language. It was a bit like shadows. You could only have shadows with light, and without that light there’d be pure darkness, nothing to compare it with. Grief was only possible if there was something to compare it with. Your family being alive, opposed to your family being dead. She’d been followed by that shadow twice. Two too many times. 

“I’m sorry, Kara.” Somebody’s voice, a hand on her back, a hand on her shoulder. 

_No, I’m sorry._ They’d died twice whilst she’d survived. _Rao forgive me for my selfishness._

The voices were too much, the sounds of the city, the sounds of life; beating hearts and laughter. Laughter is bitter to the burned mouth. She needed silence. She needed to be closer. 

The air felt colder the higher she flew, tighter somehow, more confining, yet she felt freer. The sounds drifted away like water down a drain, drip by drip the voices went, lost on her as the sky became darker. She needed to be _closer._ Perhaps it wasn’t the Grief that had her gasping for breath, but the lack of oxygen. 

She didn’t stop until she couldn’t breathe and America could be seen like the outlines on the maps. Then everything went black. 

When she came to, Kara wondered if it’d all been a dream. One of her nightmares. But the look in Alex’s eyes spoke far more than words could, and she knew then that she’d lost her world twice over. 

“Why did you not stop?” The question felt weighted, like the gravity working on her body. It was evident now, now that she had something to compare it to; less gravity. 

“I wanted to be closer.” Kara stared at the bright lights overhead, the dust particles visible and drifting like ashes amidst destruction and fire. She might’ve likened it to snowflakes, but Kara liked snowflakes and nothing about this situation warranted happy comparisons. 

“You can’t scare me like that.” Alex placed a warm palm against her shoulder, cold from the atmosphere, or lack thereof. 

“I just wanted to be closer,” She echoed, the light becoming distorted the longer she looked at it. She thought she could see Rao amidst it, but Roa’s light had faded when she first lost her people, now it was extinguished. There was no room for a faith only remembered by one. 

“I know.” She offered a watery smile, stroking the hair back from Kara’s forehead, a gentle touch that reminded her of her mother. 

“They’re gone, aren’t they?” Her voice cracked, defeated, hopeless. 

“Yes.” 

* * *

The warmth of her apartment wasn’t enough to stop the shivering. Alex was staying with her, curled against the sofa with her phone, glancing at her every once in a while. 

Kara scrolled through twitter, eyes honing in on the news accounts. 

_Supergirl seen flying out of Earth’s atmosphere and brought back unconscious._

_Has the Girl of Steel reached her melting point?_

_Mission or meltdown: Supergirl flies off the face of the Earth._

Headlines weren’t particularly new to Kara, but ones like this were. Yet, she couldn’t quite bring herself to care. Of course it was something the DEO had fret over, the government even; worrying if she’d become unstable, if she’d been infected by a new form of Kryptonite. She was infected by Grief, and headlines don’t matter when you’re grieving. 

The truth is, she didn’t feel a thing. Perhaps she’d become the shell. The only thing left were tear tracks she couldn’t recreate and an emptiness in her chest, like a black hole, or a phantom zone where time was nonexistent. It’d been two days and that Argo sized hole was there, but she could do nothing but be, and be without emotion. 

Alex had to leave at some point during the day, an emergency, and when she left; incessant that she stay at home and call her whenever she starts to feel the slightest bit bad, Kara got geared up. There was no point staying at home with her own thoughts.

Straining to listen, she heard Brainy mentioning an attack downtown, alien, a threat to civilians. She made it there in record time, subduing the threat and flying back to the DEO. It struck her that she’d barely stopped to acknowledge the people she’d saved. 

“Kara, you’re meant to be at home.” Was the first thing Alex said when she breezed through the glass doors. She could feel eyes on her, sympathy she didn’t need. She felt nothing, what was there to sympathise with? Lena was there, maroon suit, crisp, neat, previously talking with Brainy about something; DEO tech perhaps, to ward off aliens like this with the absence of Supergirl. The sight of her might’ve elicited loss, it was only a few days ago she’d revealed she knew months before that she was Supergirl, and only a few days ago she’d stormed away from the Fortress of Solitude angry and spiteful towards her. And still, she felt nothing. 

“I’m sick of people treating me like I’m some fragile human on the verge of breaking.” Kara felt herself cracking, a quiet hum of anger. “I’m not human.” 

“Don’t go down that route again,” Alex warned, eyes glassy as she watched her sister slowly revert back to the shell of a superhero, revert back to ignoring her humanity. 

“But it’s the truth. I’m not human.” Brushing passed her sister, she turned back once. “I can’t afford to feel as deeply as humans.” 

“Kara-“

“Do you have any updates on the mysterious force that wiped out Argo?” Supergirl asked, nearing Brainy with hands on her hips, jaw clenched, ignoring the Luthor beside him; feigning disinterest as she tinkered about with a device. 

“We have suspicions, but Supergirl, you should be taking the time to-“

“We don’t have time,” She interjected, arms crossed and head held high. “Unless we want to end up the same way as my planet, then we need all the numbers we can get.” 

“Only two days ago you tried flying out of Earth’s atmosphere,” He reminded, catching the attention of Lena - Kara noted. 

“That was a momentary weakness. I would’ve flown back down.” There wasn’t much she could defend that with. She knew how foolish it might’ve seemed, but the evidence of life on a planet that she was on, opposed to the complete wiping out of her own planet, Kara couldn’t bare to hear it. And the thought of being that little bit closer, feeling what it might’ve felt like to be in open space, she needed that in that moment. 

“You fell unconscious. So, no, you wouldn’t have. If it weren’t for the DEO you could be dead.” 

“Well, I’m not.” Disappointment wasn’t the tone she was going for, but she couldn’t help noticing it bled through her voice. “I’ll leave CatCo so you can have my full attention, and we can figure this out.” 

“You can’t leave CatCo,” Brainy protested, voice urgent and concerned. 

“I don’t see how reporting can help us here,” She spoke flippantly, already planning an exit from her job. 

“Not everything is for the mission. Reporting is your passion.” He seemed confused, as if it was in her nature to continue reporting, as if it went against everything he’d calculated about her. 

“As I said to Alex, I can't afford to feel passion, or sorrow or...anything. I’m not human, and I can’t allow myself another second of weakness. Not when our lives are at stake.” He blinked rapidly, taken aback. She shifted her gaze to Lena, sharp eyes watching her, blank. “Miss Luthor, we’re going to need all the help we can get, so if you could stick around the DEO and help the mission, that’d be helpful.” 

She nodded, no other acknowledgement. Kara was thankful; she didn’t want false sympathies from somebody who hated her, and neither did she want her refusal. 

Turning to her sister, she ignored the frown pulling at her cheeks. “Alex, why don’t we contact the others? Barry might know something about this.” 

* * *

As she lay in bed on her back, stiff like a plank of wood, Kara thought about Krypton when it was alive. What it was like when she was a child. She thought of reds and oranges, of home and family and Astra with her streak of white in her hair, her mother with her soft features and father with his stern; words gentler than the feather of a kiri-bird. Rolling onto her side, she succumbed to the emptiness within and finally allowed herself to cry. 

Alex was with Kelly, Kara had insisted she leave her apartment for the evening, and now she almost regretted it. She almost wanted a warm embrace, comfort. 

Rolling out of bed, sobs racking her body as she slowly changed into her Supersuit, Kara slipped out of her window, gliding through the air like a shadow. She flew upwards, towards the clouds this time; longing for the wet cool against her skin. 

_Kara, where are you going_? It was her comms, Alex’s voice, loud and clear.

“What?” She asked, voice cracking. “Are you tracking me?” 

_No, we’re just...making sure you don’t do something...stupid._ She had the decency to sound sheepish, perhaps even apologetic. 

“So you’re tracking me?” Kara repeated, laughing mirthlessly. “Do you think I’m going to fly off the Earth again?” 

_Not necessarily._ The rise in pitch of her voice told Kara she was lying. 

“Do you get some sort of alert when I leave my apartment?” She scoffed, “Who set that up?” 

_Lena and Brainy._

“Lena? I thought she hated me, why would she help you?” Kara questioned, confused, picturing Lena confronting her. She’d fallen for the woman’s charade and had her heart broken. She deserved it, Kara knew that, but it didn’t stop the pain, she’d lost another friend amongst all the others. It’d been particularly damaging, seeing her best friend so broken, so distraught. More so than the betrayal Lena was trying to inflict back on her. Perhaps that’s why she had to distance herself. Why love if losing hurt so much? Kara didn’t think she had any answers anymore. 

_She still cares about you, Kara. You’ve been friends for three years._

“Not anymore. Even if Lena didn’t hate me, I have no room for friendships.” She was still ascending, breadths away from a thick strip of clouds. She held her breath as she flew into one, the cold settling over her like being encased in ice. A bit like the Fortress of Solitude in all its icy glory. 

_Kara, stop. You can’t throw away your life because of-_

“Because of what, Alex? When will it ever stop, this loss? I’m tired.”

_I know, I understand._

“They’re gone.” Floating atop a cloud, hands brushing through it as she shifted, Kara released a sob she’d been holding in. “They’re gone for good.” 

_Why don’t you come down from there and I’ll come back to your apartment. We can drink some hot chocolate?_ Alex offered, hopeful. 

Kara continued floating, on her back like lying on a soft blanket. The thought of facing her sister, the thought of facing the world had her stomach churning. 

“No, that’s okay. Enjoy your night with Kelly.” Before Alex could protest, she switched off her comms. The sky was a dark blue, clouds grey, almost black. They didn’t feel looming, or sinister. They felt familiar beneath her fingertips. 

Glancing at the city below, she saw the bright lights of CatCo, and then L-Corp not much further. A whole city lit up beneath her like a series of flames or a cluster of fireflies. She imagined the networks between each building, the flows of communication, the human connection beneath her. Argo would never have that, not anymore. 

_Suffering is just suffering after all. No cause, no purpose, no pattern._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Laughter is bitter to the burned mouth” - ‘What Were They Like?’, Denise Levertov. 
> 
> “Why love if losing hurts so much. I have no answers anymore...” - Shadowlands.
> 
> “Suffering is just suffering after all. No cause, no purpose, no pattern.” - Shadowlands.
> 
> This is healing my upset about the Conservatives winning the election. Idk if there’s any brits here but like, sorry if ur a Tory.


	2. Is Part Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So you’re dictating what’s best for me, now?” Resentment had taken over the space that was meant for her Grief. She was angry, so very angry; at her mother for leaving her again, at whatever had taken Argo away from her, at Alex and Brainy and Lena for stealing her privacy, at all of them for excluding her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii, these chapters are relatively short to what I usually like writing, but I hope it’s okay :)

  
After a restless night, tossing and turning beneath the covers; hair damp, body cold, Kara felt more agitated than usual. As soon as she closed her eyes the night before she could see her planet exploding, could feel the heat of the flames against her pod, could feel the tight, encompassing space of the structure. Sleep was impossible. Instead, she stared at the ceiling for the rest of the night, silent, until morning broke and she was patrolling the city. 

Alex insisted that she stay home and get some rest, but she hated the inactivity of it, wanted something to distract herself with. It seemed the universe was against her; there was barely any crime on the streets - petty or not - and she was only occupied for a maximum of twenty minutes before she was left with silence. She considered flying over to another city, helping out there, but that would only attract more of the media, and have Alex on her case. Perhaps she should get the whole tracking thing resolved. 

The first thing she noticed when she entered the DEO was everybody gathering around the centre; Alex, Brainy, Lena, Nia, even J’onn; all but her. 

“So, first I’m being watched like some sort of criminal with a tag around their ankle on house arrest. Which, by the way, you could’ve upgraded that with a shot of Kryptonite being released into my system every time I leave my building.” They all turned as if she’d caught them speaking of her (she regretted not listening in with her enhanced hearing before approaching), “And now I’m being excluded from meetings?”

A silence fell over them, a mix of guilty looks and blank faces. It frustrated her to no end. It was like they were tip-toeing around her. Pushing her away. 

“We were discussing the loss of Argo, we didn’t think you’d want to be reminded.” 

“You didn’t think I’d want to hear about the death of _my_ planet?” She let out an abrupt laugh, looking around in disbelief. 

“Supergirl, you’re not in a good mental st-“

“What do you expect my mental state to be like, Director Danvers? I’ve just lost my mother for a second time.” She wasn’t trying to garner pity, and was pleased to see that nobody’s features softened, nobody tried to comfort her. Perhaps it was the lack of emotion in her voice, like she was reciting a well-known fact. They’d clearly been talking about it for a long time, enough for it to become familiar. 

“That’s exactly why we think it’d be best if we try to limit your involvement.” Alex walked over, placing a hand on her shoulder, which Kara deflected, ignoring the shock on her sister’s face. 

“So you’re dictating what’s best for me, now?” Resentment had taken over the space that was meant for her Grief. She was angry, so very angry; at her mother for leaving her again, at whatever had taken Argo away from her, at Alex and Brainy and Lena for stealing her privacy, at all of them for excluding her. “I don’t need you guys skirting around me like I’m going to break any second. Stop trying to push me away when I just want to help, and figure out whatever or whoever did this.” 

She turned to Lena and Brainy then, venom in her tone, “And about that alert system that dings whenever I leave my apartment-”

“It actually al-

“Or whatever it does,” She interjected, glaring at Brainy and his dumbfounded stare, “Get rid of it.”

* * *

Kara didn’t quit CatCo, not yet, but she hadn’t gone to work since the destruction of her planet. Andrea was likely angry, but she hadn’t contacted Nia enough to know how she’d really reacted to her absence. Perhaps Nia told her of the circumstances and she decided to let up for once. 

Most of her efforts were spent protecting the city, despite the lack of things to protect, and then dealing with the whole anti-matter thing, which Brainy had eventually explained to her. She didn’t quite know how to approach any of it. Most of the energy in her brain was spent trying to _avoid_ thinking about Argo; to push that sorrow ridden thought into a little corner of her mind, unable to spread across her brain. Of course, it wasn’t particularly successful. Kara was reminded every time she closed her eyes, or saw something red, or heard something loud, or saw a mother walking down the street with her daughter. She was reminded by almost everything around her, and it made focusing on other things entirely too difficult. Perhaps she understood Alex’s reasoning in getting her to stay home, but that didn’t mean she’d agree to it. 

The thought of being alone, in the silence of her apartment, with all these thoughts...Kara didn’t think she’d be able to handle it. 

It might’ve been all anger when she was with others, when they pushed her for answers or pushed her away. But alone...it all set in. The knowledge that they were gone, the loneliness. She felt as if everybody she’d ever known was slowly slipping from her grasp. Next it’d be J’onn, then Brainy, maybe even Alex. Nobody could tell. Life was unpredictable and all of a sudden she _hated_ it. Before it might’ve felt fun, adventurous, to not know what was around the corner. But now, now she could only see more loss. 

She held a picture of herself and Lena in her palm. Delicate, she avoided putting pressure on it, as if it were a precious artefact on the verge of breaking. It reflected the lights of her apartment, reflected a happiness. Kara could tell by their wide smiles, by the shine in Lena’s eyes which had dimmed significantly, replaced with a blank slate, the arm wrapped around her; a warmth she could now only imagine. Lena’s smile was warm, everything she wasn’t towards her anymore. 

The loss of her mother was profound. The loss of both her mother and Lena...Kara didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to move forwards. The only defence she had was indifference (after all, the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference). Anger. She _couldn’t_ allow herself to succumb to sadness. Because then she’d be useless. To National City. To the looming threat ahead. 

Shaking away the tears that’d began to cloud her vision, Kara abruptly placed the picture face down on the table. One of the few times she’d allowed herself to be home alone, she’d almost cried. 

“Hey, Kara?” A voice - Alex’s - filtered through the door along with a quiet knock. That’s how unbalanced this whole Grief thing had her, she didn’t even hear the footsteps. Even with her sister’s chunky boots.

“Come in,” She called, voice not quite concealing the pain she was feeling, but halfway there. By the time she entered the room and took off her coat, Kara was emotionless again. 

“How have you been holding up?” Alex took a seat next to her, eyebrows furrowed in concern. 

“Fine,” Kara said, eyeing the picture on the table. She was thankful she’d placed it face down. She didn’t want Alex questioning her about how she felt with that _situation._

“I’ve been thinking…”

“That doesn’t sound good.” Grimacing, she watched as Alex struggled to bring it up, pulling at the hem of her t-shirt. 

“I think you should talk to somebody. Like...Kelly, maybe?” She spoke quietly, hesitant. As if Kara would blow up at any second. “I can’t possibly comprehend what it’s like to lose your world twice over, but I know a bit about losing a parent. You can always talk to me about it, you know? But, I think you need to talk to somebody...professional.”

“You think I need a shrink?” Kara questioned in disbelief, the pitch of her voice rising significantly. Offering up a mirthless laugh, she shook her head. 

“It doesn’t have to be Kelly if you’d feel uncomfortable talking to somebody you know.” She reassured, a little urgent. “Just somebody who knows a bit about the medical side of the things you’re going through, who will understand why you’re reacting to things a certain way, who can help you get through it all.”

“I don’t need to see a therapist, Alex.” She remained stubborn, arms crossed over her chest, the urge to pull a cushion onto her lap. Then Alex would know she was upset.

“I think you do, Kara. And I think you know you do.” The words settled on her like a ship container thrown at her in a fight; she knew it wouldn’t constrict her really, she could get up, but the weight of it...it almost felt like she couldn’t. Like it was too heavy. Like she didn’t have super strength. “You can’t keep ignoring it in the hopes it’ll eventually go away. It won’t, not like that.” 

“I don’t need a therapist. I’ll deal with this like I deal with everything else.” 

“I-“ Alex went to speak, but relented, defeat etched into her features. “Why don’t we watch a movie?”

Kara nodded, if only to shut her up about the therapist thing. 

* * *

They were waiting on Barry and his friends, and it’d been taking longer than they’d thought. With little communication, they had no idea what was happening on their end. There was evidence to suggest the anti-matter wave was headed for Earth, and if that was the case they’d soon be in a state of emergency. “Maybe we can talk to my mother, well, the holographic replica of her? It might help us get some information,” Kara said when a silence settled over everybody; no conclusions made on how to go about it. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe it should be one of us?” Alex suggested, careful to not be patronising, careful to limit the wariness in her voice. 

“No, I’d like to go,” She said resolutely, hands on her hips, embodying Supergirl.

“I’ll go with you,” Lena offered, the first words she’d spoken to Kara in a while. Her face gave away no emotion, no thoughts or feelings. A look that even J’onn couldn’t see through, she imagined. 

“Okay.”

After Lena had finished up whatever she was doing beforehand and Kara helped an old lady cross the street—it was absolutely necessary, she argued, nobody was there to help—they made their way, side by side, towards the hologram room. 

A tense silence filled the space between them, unspoken words drifting through the air like forgotten memories or empty promises. Kara no longer felt the need to apologise. Not when Lena was still here, at least, and she wasn’t hurt. At least not physically. As they walked down the stairs, the Luthor cleared her throat. 

“I understand you’re going through a terrible loss, and for that, as well as the looming threat ahead, I’m remaining professional. I’m sincerely sorry, really, nobody deserves to experience what you have,” Lena spoke as they walked, plastering up the silence. Kara could hear the sincerity in her voice, but also the distance. The cold, blank slate that’d been wedged between them. “But, I need you to understand that this doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven you. It doesn’t mean that we’re friends.”

“Anger is impermanent, Lena,” She responded simply, Lena’s words doing nothing but repelling from the steel she’d encased herself with. _But the loss of life is permanent,_ she wanted to add, _at least neither of us are dead._

“I don’t think I could ever trust any of you again,” She admitted, arms folded securely across her chest, voice guarded as she frowned in annoyance at the statement. 

Kara just nodded, “I understand.”

Perhaps the lack of a fight from Kara shocked her, she’d pleaded beforehand, begged for her to understand. Perhaps Lena was thankful. She didn’t dwell on it long, instead focussing on what was ahead. 

The anticipation started to set in as they got closer. Kara pulled at the sleeves of her suit as they rounded the corner towards the door, pulse quickening. She felt sick all of a sudden, queasy, how she imagined a travel sick human felt in a fast moving car, swerving around bends. Lena waited patiently once they’d stopped, watching her expectantly. “I-” Before she allowed herself to say any more, allowed herself to stall, Kara opened the door abruptly and walked inside with a clenched jaw. 

The Luthor followed slowly behind, glancing around the room in wonder, at the blue lights, the crest of El on an elevated platform, at the holographic projection of Kara’s mother. 

“Hello, Kara,” The hologram greeted, voice soft and familiar. It’d been groundbreaking to figure out that her mother was still alive. To see her, hear her, feel her, smell that safe scent, the scent of home. To let it slip away a second time...Kara was a fool for not staying on Argo when she had the chance. 

“Je.ju,” She said, a little breathless. She was so alike her mother, despite the translucence and the blue hue. The curls of her hair, the slope of her nose, the inflection of her voice. It all felt too real. 

Before they could even ask any questions, Alura started to talk again, and Kara fell to her knees, the breath leaving her lungs, trapped in her throat. “I can’t- I can’t do this.” Her palm rested against the ground, nails digging into the surface as her sight began to blur. “I should’ve been there, on Argo. With my mom, with my friends, my people. But I chose not to.”

She could feel Lena’s presence close by, wondered if she looked concerned or had that same blank, distant look on her face. “Why did you stay on Earth?” She asked, careful, yet curious. 

“People needed me as Supergirl. More importantly, people needed _me,_ Kara. Alex, Eliza, J’onn, you. I made a life for myself as best I could here, on Earth. Found a home, _built_ a home with all my loved ones, you included. I couldn’t leave that behind. I’d already lost my world once, I didn’t want to lose another one.” Kara’s voice broke as she brought her arms around herself, tight, rubbing the tears spilling from her eyes with her shoulder. They didn’t let up. She could feel herself shaking, could feel the lack of oxygen making its way to her lungs. “And still, I lost. I lose. I always lose.” 

The anger that’d filled up the hole in her heart began to dissipate, and suddenly she felt so much. _So so_ much. She glanced up to see the hologram and a whole new wave of sadness washed over her, so much worse than sadness. Pent up cries, pent up emotions, they slipped like a fault in the Earth’s crust that’d been building pressure. “Everybody always leaves. Whether by death, or by choice, one by one, they go. Sometimes all I can do is watch. From a distance.” 

She felt arms around her then; solid, crushing, without hesitance. Looking up she see Lena, eyes closed tightly shut, Kara let the sobs take over her body. "You shouldn't have to console me after everything I did. You're angry, Lena,” She choked out, voice strained and cracking. “And I won't- I don't need someone else's comfort. I'm fine.”

“I don't know what mental health was like on Krypton”—she noticed the wince, the uncomfortable way she spoke it—“but sobbing on the floor doesn't equate to fine.”

“I- I can’t do this. I can’t help anybody like this. I can’t find hope, not with all this darkness.” 

“The pain now is part of the happiness then,” Lena spoke softly into her hair, “That’s the deal. I’d know.”

“Since when did you get philosophical?” Kara snorted through her tears. “It’s true, though. I thought for so long I’d never find happiness on Earth. Never find a home. And I did. But it’s hard to believe it when you’re experiencing a pain like this.”

Lena remained silent, stroking Kara’s arm as her tears continued to fall. 

“I just...sometimes I wish I could give up the cape, you know? Just be Kara.” The tears started to subside, but the shaking continued. She selfishly leant into the warmth behind her, selfishly kept it and exploited it, even as her sobs began to dwindle. Just as she’d done with their friendship. “But then I remember the duty I have to protect people. I could never leave that behind.”

“I don’t know how much I can help here. I’ve only known you as two separate people.” Some of that iciness was back now, and the hug became stiffer. She could feel Lena’s grip on her loosen, could feel that invisible wall between them starting to go up.

”Both of those people are me, Lena,” She tried to reason, a desperation to cling to the woman behind her. To have arms around her, the arms of somebody she’s certain she has lost, is losing, will lose. The person she- she-

“I’ll go get your sister.” 

“Wait I-” Her protest fell flat as Lena extracted herself from the hug, brushing down the front of her suit, and walked out the door. 

All she was left with was silence, and the false image of her mother, up on a podium. Herself on her knees, as if praying to her. Loneliness had never felt so painful, so prominent in her life.

Lena’s exit, it felt like a finality. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal’ - Shadowlands 
> 
> I think the wait for chapter 3 might be a little longer as I haven’t started writing it yet, but I hope it’s not too long! Let me know what you thought of this one :)


	3. The Happiness Then

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘It took all of her willpower not to turn back, because she knew that as soon as she saw Lena she’d want to stay, and Lena didn’t want her to stay. Maybe she never would.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi gays, so this took longer than I wanted, but I’ve been kinda busy and my year didn’t start off that well but I’ve been in a creative mood lately and I got this finished. I’m sorry if scenes seem a little brief, I just didn’t want to waffle and they’re all important for the plot. Anyway, I hope u like it xo

  
Barry and the others all showed up when Kara was crying on her sister's shoulder in a private meeting room. She had to shed her sadness and don her mask of indifference, squaring dropped shoulders, hands on hips, steel replacing the Grief. They saw only Supergirl, not Kara. 

She didn’t feel like Supergirl. She felt like the timid, vulnerable girl; trapped in a dark expanse of space, no time, no movement, no anything. All she could do was pretend. 

She felt hopeless as she learned the news of the anti-matter wave headed to destroy the universe. As she fought off the Monitor’s army, as she shot hot rage at the quantum tower; thinking of her mother, of Argo City. As she left her Earth behind, along with four billion people, as she saw Oliver’s lifeless body, a life given up to save the people of an Earth that wasn’t his own. Leaving another spot of emptiness in Kara’s heart, in each of their hearts. She felt hopeless as she was named the Paragon of Hope. _How ironic_. 

The only slight hope she could find was the Book of Destiny. The only solution, to bring back what was lost. It seemed plain obvious to Kara. Why didn’t the others agree? What’s one person's madness for entire planets? Kara didn’t mind going mad, she already felt like the scales had tipped in that direction. Maybe therapy was a good idea, and she should listen to her sister more often. Of course that was all pointless when everybody was dead. 

The crisis ripped through her like a knife; sharp and painful. Kara didn’t know how she’d come back from it all the same person, sane, whole. How any of them would.

Alas, they came back from it. They always did in the end. She was there, physically. But something had changed. Shifted. Something was missing. She’d left apart of herself on Argo with her mother, another part with Oliver, and another on an Earth that’d disintegrated before being mapped back out. Restored. It didn’t feel the same as it had before the crisis, but Kara thought that might’ve been something in _her_ that didn’t feel the same, not the Earth itself. 

So, there was a crisis shaped hole cut right through her middle, but there was nothing she could do about it but cover it up and continue with her life. Both lives. As Kara Danvers, and as Supergirl. 

Alex tried to slow her down, take smaller steps into reality and bigger steps towards recovering, suggesting Kelly for a second time. It was silly. She didn’t need therapy. She was perfectly fine to carry on and work it out by herself. She was Supergirl, for Rao’s sake. “I’m fine. I don’t need to rant to somebody and have them stare at me in pity for an hour long session once a week.” 

“Kara, that’s not how it works.” 

“My answer is still no.” 

She’d given up after that. A part of her wished she hadn’t. 

It felt like it was getting worse, not better. The anger and the emptiness she’d felt before was slowly dissipating into a sadness. A deep grief. A feeling of _wrong_ , of something absent. Each night she found it harder to sleep, and each morning she found it harder to get out of bed. A part of her wanted nothing but to be active, distracted, on the go. Another part of her wanted nothing but to be still, to lie in bed and wallow. Neither won completely. When she had work and Supergirl duties, she was active, though not completely distracted. When she didn’t; she was inactive. She declined movie nights and going to the bar, getting brunch with Alex and stopping by for lunch with Nia. It felt as if her social life was disintegrating, all at her own hand. 

Some nights she’d sit on her couch and stare at the wall, a movie on the TV and the sounds of traffic acting as nothing but background noise as she drowned everything out and focused on the pain radiating throughout her body. Some she flew and fought without missing a beat, locking up criminals and restoring any semblance of peace left after the crisis. It was like flipping a coin, either one could be the course of her night, and neither softened the sorrow coursing through her veins. 

Kara’s breaking moment had to be seeing Lena at the DEO, laughing at something Brainy said. It wasn’t as unrestrained, as carefree as how she’d laughed with Kara before. The smile didn’t quite reach her eyes, that glimmer amongst the green wasn’t quite there, but it was a laugh. Melodious, beautiful. The first she’d seen of the CEO after more than a week.

As soon as she saw Lena turning in her direction, she rushed towards the exit, running away from whatever her eyes would hold if they met her own.

* * *

That night, all she could see was Lena smiling, all she could hear was her laugh. She spent most of it flicking through her camera roll and landing on pictures of the two of them, or videos of them doing something goofy. The emptiness of her apartment felt paramount, looking at what memories once filled it. Now everything she looked at brought her back to Lena and it wasn’t a happy sort of nostalgia. 

The longing only increased every time she saw her on the other side of the DEO, which wasn’t that often considering she wasn’t there all that much. She was thankful that Lena had sold CatCo, now that it meant she didn’t have to see her and be reminded of what was missing. In some ways, it was a comfort. A reminder that she was still there, okay, alive. In others it was torture. She wasn’t on the receiving end of her smiles or scientific words or rare laughs, but rather a bystander watching it all happen. 

It might’ve been tolerable, this whole seeing her every once in a while, if it weren’t for Andrea. _Rao,_ Kara really disliked that woman. “Kara, I have an assignment for you.” 

“What would you like me to do, Miss Rojas?” She’d been trying to be civil, ever since her boss had told her to take more time off if she was still grieving, ever since she’d shown the slightest amount of compassion, but that woman still grated on her nerves. Still treated her with barely any respect in favour of William. 

“I’d like you to go down to L-Corp tomorrow. Lena Luthor’s making an announcement and I want us to get the scoop. I heard it was some sort of Artificial Intelligence and we can’t have other companies rivalling Obsidian Tech now, can we?” She flashed her a dangerous smile, baring white teeth. Kara felt her hands turning clammy and pulse quickening as she started forming an argument in her mind. “I’ve got two press tickets, so you can take somebody along with you.” 

“Oh...I don’t think I can do that,” Kara said through a wince, hunching her shoulders and making herself smaller. _So much for a convincing argument._

“And why’s that, Miss Danvers. Is the task not up to your standards? You’ve won a Pulitzer, does that mean you can only write front page worthy news?” Raising a perfectly sculpted brow, almost too sculpted, she cocked her head to the side. 

“No...it’s just- I- me and Miss Luthor aren’t on good terms.”

“You mean to tell me you’d let personal matters intervene with work?” Andrea placed a palm against Kara’s desk, becoming more imposing somehow. 

“I- no, Miss Rojas,” She shook her head, folding her hands across her middle, “I’ll go to the event.” 

“Good.” She smiled, disingenuous, leaving Kara to fuss over how on Earth she’d avoid Lena at her own announcement. 

So that’s how she found herself pulling at the edge of her navy blue jumper, glancing around almost maniacally in search of Lena. Nia was beside her, talking about Brainy and poetry and too many servings of food, but she wasn’t really listening. Instead, she scanned the crowd, staring at the entrance of L-Corp for any sign of the black-haired beauty that had cut her out of her life. She had to remind herself that she was the one to cut Lena out of _her_ life with a lack of honesty. With _lies_. 

She didn’t see Lena until she was on stage, talking about some forward thinking Artificial Intelligence called Hope. Kara really tried to make notes, to hang on to what she was saying, but she was more focused on the inflection of her voice, which she’d been without for far too long, and the lines of her face. For once, she hoped to meet her eyes. Prayed for it even, despite her lack of belief in any sort of faith.

Nia was speaking again and Kara had drowned out everything but Lena; standing behind her podium, regal, elegant, powerful. Suddenly green eyes were on her own, she heard a falter in the woman’s voice, saw recognition, pain, a steeliness flash across her face all at once (sometimes super sight was a blessing) as she held her stare. “Kara?” 

“Hmm?” She managed to hum out, attention not moving away from Lena as she continued to speak, eyes flashing in her direction every once in a while, resolve not as strict and composed as before. 

“Kara.” 

“What?” She ripped her gaze away from Lena and turned towards Nia, voice holding an underlying agitation. 

“You’ve been distracted all night, I don’t think you’ve taken in a single thing I’ve said,” She gave her a pointed stare, folding her arms across her chest as if to seem intimidating. It didn’t really work, Kara doubted she could ever look intimidating, even as Dreamer (though she wouldn’t tell her that). 

“I’m so sorry, Nia. I just- I-“ 

“It’s Lena, isn’t it?” The words had her attention turning back to the woman in question, flow regained as she enraptured the crowd with her intelligence and forward thinking. She lacked all of the bumbling compassion she held in previous speeches, ones where she allowed vulnerability and warmth to show. Now, she was all business, with a cutting Luthor edge, the sort of tone she used for the board room. Kara didn't know what to make of it. 

“Yeah,” She said, clearly distracted again; not making an effort to seem otherwise. 

More than anything she wanted to be one of the reporters at the front, supporting her best friend, receiving a million watt smile amongst a talk about serious sciency business (she said that like she didn’t understand every single scientific word that came out of Lena’s mouth and more by the age of eight). Kara _wanted_ more than anything. 

“Why don’t you leave? I can get the notes you need and I’ll help you with the article,” Nia offered, placing a hand on Kara’s shoulder, reeling her back to the present. 

She was shaking her head before she’d finished her sentence, “No, no, it’s okay.”

“If seeing her is hurting you, just _go_ ,” She urged, forcing eye contact by stepping into her line of sight. “You might think that you deserve it, but you don’t, Kara. You’re just torturing yourself. You made a mistake and that’s okay. We all make mistakes. Just go home.”

“I- this article.” She made a weak defence by holding up her mini notebook and pencil, the ones she hadn’t used all evening, only for Nia to take them from her. 

“I already said I’ve got it. Go.” 

She pretended she didn’t feel the weight of Lena’s stare on her back as she left the event. Pretended she didn’t want to immediately turn around and wait for her speech to finish so that she could congratulate her and offer her food and red wine at her apartment. Pretended like she didn’t _want_ , because then she’d have to have truly lost her, and she couldn’t bare to lose anymore. 

It took all of her willpower not to turn back, because she knew that as soon as she saw Lena she’d want to stay, and Lena didn’t _want_ her to stay. Maybe she never would. 

* * *

The lights of the city below glistened like reflections of the moon on water. Distant, they were a show of community and warmth and families sitting together at the dinner table, or lovers snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie. Kara felt painfully lonely, up on the roof of her apartment building, stood out of frame. She felt like a surveyor. Like some sort of satellite just outside of Earth's atmosphere, not quite inside, not quite apart of anything. Just floating in empty space, nothing to tether it but gravity, nothing to call home.

All she could feel was pain. 

She’d gone through the denial, the anger, the bargaining even, of grief. And now she was at one of her lowest moments. The deep and aching feelings of depression that she hadn’t truly allowed herself to feel and acknowledge in the face of the crisis. She’d gone through all of this before. She knew, logically; that reconciliation and acceptance were the next steps. They just felt so far out of reach, intangible, implausible, that she found herself getting lost in the sorrow. In emptiness and heartache. 

Her sadness felt like a bottomless pit; one she was falling deeper and deeper into. Nobody to pull her out. 

She started counting the lights in the buildings across from her, each an entity, a being. It gave her some hope of life out there. Of beating hearts, happiness and love. Of Alex and J’onn and Nia and Brainy. Of Lena, sat locked up in her office or in her lab, working relentlessly. With determination. Without Kara in her life any longer. 

That was another thing. The absence of Lena. Of her quick wit and soft smiles, of her playful teasing and warm hugs. Kara found herself missing her in the quiet moments like these, and even in the bustle; where she should be distracted by everything going on, but not quite _enough._ Nothing could distract her from the large impression Lena had left on her heart, her soul. Not even Brainy talking at a million miles per second, or Alex holding Potstickers and a romantic comedy at her door, or Nia and her stupid memes that had her laughing to herself in meetings before. Before it all. 

It was even harder now that she had to _write_ about her. It felt like a full circle moment. They became friends because Kara had to write an article about her, and now that they weren’t friends she was back with her pencil and pen, refraining from mentioning how gorgeous, how focused she was talking about something she was so passionate about. History repeats itself, after all. 

Just as it had with her planet exploding. With losing her aunt two times, losing her mother two times, the countless best friends she lost, the countless people that had walked out of her life. 

_What am I doing?_ She shook her head at her own stupidity. How could she lie to herself so blatantly? How could she ignore everybody’s concerns about her mental health? 

She located her phone in the pocket of her jacket, staring at the blank screen for a while. At the reflection painted across it; she barely recognised herself. Bringing up her contacts and clicking on the first name, she tapped her foot against the floor and bit at her thumbnail. Alex picked up after three rings. _Hey, Kara. You okay?_

_“_ I think I’d like to reconsider the therapy thing.” 

* * *

  
“Hi, Kara.” Kelly spoke warmly, tone calm and relaxed. Kara twiddled her thumbs as she took a seat opposite her, chewing on the skin of her bottom lip. 

“Hi,” She offered up a slight smile, half-hearted and laced with nerves. 

“I understand you want to talk about some things?” Everything about the interaction should’ve been calming, and yet she felt on edge. Kelly was somebody she felt comfortable with, and the room was all soft colours and warm tones. Kara still felt a cold feeling of dread creeping down her spine. 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, do you want to start off with what’s troubling you?” 

“Well, um- first, I need to uh-“ The words were getting caught in her throat, the confession she needed to get out in order to move on with this. She stopped short, shaking her head, “This doesn’t feel right.” 

“We’re just here to talk, Kara. You don’t even need to talk about what might be troubling you yet. We can talk about your day, or your plans for the weekend.” Gentle, her voice was nothing but soothing, nothing but soft. It still weighed on her like a heavy chain. 

“I just- there’s something you need to know about me...so I can talk about the things I want to talk about. It’s- I don’t know.” Pulling at the thread on her sleeve, Kara looked at everything but Kelly. At the slight chip in the wall on the other side of the room, at the details of the hardwood floor, at the drooping plant on the windowsill; barely standing. “I’m nervous.” 

“That’s completely normal. Opening up is nerve wracking,” Kelly reassured, placing a palm against her arm. Kara basked in the contact. At the warmth on her forearm. 

“It’s not just that, I...okay,” She took a deep breath, facing Kelly with a new determination, “I’m Supergirl, I lost my family, my entire planet, when I was thirteen, and I keep losing no matter how hard I try to hold onto people. I don’t want to hold onto these losses anymore. I want to let go.” 

“Okay…” Kelly nodded, blinking a few times. Kara could see her processing everything, a little bit at a time, “So there’s a few things to work through. We have time.” 

The rest of the session seemed to pass by in a blur of tears and ugly memories. It didn’t take long for her to open up about her past—she was an open person after all—and lay it all on the table for Kelly to pick through and comment on or console about. She mainly let Kara talk and only spoke every once in a while, it sort of felt like unloading all of her problems. She wondered how the woman dealt with carrying all of them on her shoulders, amongst all the other people she spoke to. It must’ve been a heavy burden. Perhaps like the burden of having lives in your hands as a superhero; the weight of the world sometimes. 

It’d been an experience, to say the least, and that evening she didn’t simply stare at the wall, but watched the TV (even if a little blankly and with no particular interest in what was happening). She even slept a little easier. If only a _little_ easier. Accepting her sisters invite before she stared at the ceiling for an hour until she fell asleep was just the icing on the cake. 

“How was therapy?” Alex asked over breakfast, egg-white halfway to her mouth. They’d agreed to meet at Noonans that morning, Kara’s opened wounds from her session the day before still fresh. Her sister’s eyebrows had been screwed up for the past ten minutes, so she knew she’d been thinking over the question all that time. Wondering whether to ask it. When the right time was. 

“It was...painful? Relieving? I don’t know. A lot,” She shrugged, sipping on her orange juice. It had chipped away at her more than it’d built her up, but she supposed the building up would take time. 

“Do you think it will help you, eventually?” 

“Yeah, I hope so. Now is the time you can say ‘I told you so’ and I can nod in defeat,” Kara sighed, holding back a grin.

“I’d never,” She gasped, feigning outrage as she dropped her knife and fork, garnering the attention of some of the other patrons.

“Oh, you so would!” She protested in disbelief. 

“Okay...I told you so,” Alex relented, shaking her head in disappointment. 

It felt like the first time she’d allowed herself to truly laugh since before the crisis. If Alex’s grin was anything to go by, it seemed like she might’ve noticed that too. 

“Seriously, though. I’m proud of you, Kara. For being brave enough to take that step. I sure as hell wasn’t.” Her sister gave a watery smile, reaching a hand across the table and squeezing Kara’s own. “Don’t you start crying, because you know I’ll start crying, and we’re in _public_.” 

The skeptical look on her face had Kara laughing again, if a little wet with unshed tears. “Thank you, Alex. I wouldn’t have gone if it weren’t for you urging me to. Sometimes a little push is good.” 

“That’s what I used to say to mom.” 

“I think pushing me on the ground is a bit different to pushing me towards figuring out my emotional traumas,” Kara scoffed, swatting at her sister's arm as she moved it back to her half of the table. 

“Aw, miss holding my hand already?” Alex grabbed her fingers, squeezing them tightly (tight enough to hurt if she were human she was sure) and sticking out her tongue. 

“Get your greasy paws off me!” 

“Never!” 

To say the other customers were more than a little pissed off at them for almost play fighting at nine in the morning on a Sunday would be an understatement. 

When they walked out of there, laughing about some old Sally who’d complained about them to a waitress, Kara felt the beginnings of a warmth in her cold and desolate chest; like a spark. Or the feeling of the sun against her skin after she’d been knocked down a little too hard. 

Maybe reconciliation wasn’t so far ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a Supergirl insta that I never shout out bc I barely use it, but if you wanna ask me any questions or just chat you can find me at @luthorheart on Instagram xx


	4. That’s the Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ’There was something missing.
> 
> Like a blank space. Or an empty spot in your apartment when you move a piece of furniture that’s been there for years.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I’ve decided to add more plot than initially intended. I feel like it gives time for their lil character arcs, and forgiveness takes time! That’s if Lena even forgives her :0 I’m kidding this will have a happy ending don’t you worry. 
> 
> (I’m also probably going to change the chapter names because they were meant to end up being a quote and now I’m gonna have too many chapters).

  
People weaved between, around, amongst one another like thread being stitched into embroidery. The clashing colours of their clothes the thread. It was a busy day, rush hour, the road congested with cars as far back as she could see, their tin roofs reflecting what could be seen of the sun like mirrors. It wasn’t a particularly warm day, but the streets looked stifling from her vantage point; crowds of bodies pushed together as a steady movement of traffic filled the air with sounds of impatience (movement might not have been the best word - as they barely seemed to move an inch a minute) and Kara was thankful she wasn’t amongst it. 

“Okay, so, she hasn’t spoken to you since before the whole...destroying of planets?” Kelly questioned, leaning forwards to rest her chin against her palm, looking inquisitive and knowing, wise even. 

The days had merged together into an incomprehensible block of time - a block she had to hurdle over, without flight or super strength. She woke up with the thought of her mother, and went to sleep with the thought of Lena. It was like a repetitive cycle of waking, eating, working, saving and sleeping. The novelty of the first therapy session had worn off within forty eight hours, and she’d had to wait a week to see Kelly again. Perhaps they should’ve scheduled in two sessions a week. 

It wasn’t like she couldn’t afford it. Kelly charged significantly less than she charged for a patient she didn’t know (perks of being the potential sister-in-law of a therapist) and even offered her time to talk to her for free. But Kara wanted the full deal. If she was going in, she wanted to go _all_ in, go big or go home, right? And she’d feel bad offloading her problems on Kelly without paying. 

“No, she hasn’t.” She stated simply, toying with her glasses, which...she probably could’ve taken off. But she didn’t want Kelly to see _Supergirl_ when they spoke. Not to suggest that she would, it’s just, Kara was almost insecure when it came to being a superhero and being vulnerable. Kara was easy to fall back on, somebody most people thought was human.

“And what was your last interaction like?” 

“Well, she comforted me when I was crying after my mother died, and then pulled away, and since...it’s all been from afar. I’d begged beforehand- before everything went wrong, asked for forgiveness, but she’s pretty resolute,” She said, eyes focused intently on her hands; fingers wrung together like a twisted cloth, indistinguishable from one another. 

“I think the fact that she comforted you shows that she still cares. She probably just needs space,” Kelly reasoned, searching for Kara’s eyes. “How are you feeling about it all?” 

“Heartbroken. Devastated. I never meant to lie to her, but I was so scared she wouldn’t forgive me, that I left it until it was certain she wouldn’t,” Kara found herself shaking her head at her own stupidity, at how carelessly she’d handled Lena’s heart. 

“Why were you so scared?” The question seemed weighted. Most questions in therapy generally were, but this one seemed different. Less about Kara’s grief and upset, more about...something else.

The answer was obvious, surely. Lena was her best friend, nobody wants to upset their best friend and potentially lose them. 

“I...she’s my best friend. I didn’t want to lose her.” No matter how much conviction she poured into her thoughts, into her tone, the justification still seemed weak.

“Is that the only reason?” Kelly must’ve noticed, if the rise of an eyebrow and the quirk of her lips meant anything. 

“I think so? I mean...I care about Lena a lot. Like… _a lot_ a lot. Like, I’d take a Kryptonite bullet for you a lot. Or, I’d fly to three different countries just for lunch for you, a lot. Or, you mimic the effects of sunlight on my Kryptonian cells just when you smile, a lot.”

 _Oh_ , yeah, there was also that. 

“Kara, do you think...”

“I’m in love with her?” It wasn’t an entirely new concept, this...loving Lena. But not something she’d explicitly said aloud, explicitly acknowledged. Of course she’d acknowledged how gorgeous she was, acknowledged her wit and intelligence, her kindness with a sort of fondness. Of her, she hated to admit it, physical attributes in those low cut shirts and tight skirts- and already Kara was trying to cleanse her mind. 

“Yeah.” Kelly smiled softly, tilting her head to the side. 

“Maybe.” Kara shrugged. 

_Definitely_. 

Loving Lena seemed like the only thing she was sure of anymore.

* * *

Kara sat cross legged, eyes closed; breaths even and undisturbed. The wind whipped at her face, hair billowing backwards whilst she sat unmoving, a calm presence amongst a movement of chaos. Mind blank, senses attuned to the present (all but sight, darkened by her heavy lids) she felt her muscles relaxing. 

She focused her hearing only on calm sounds; the gentle lap of a river, the sound of wheels moving against tarmac, a swing creaking backwards and forwards in a desolate playground - moved only by the force of the wind. Then; a child laughing, a vinyl scratching against a record player as red wine was poured into a glass beside it, a group of people waiting for their drinks, a heartbeat. A familiar heartbeat, beating steadily away. She settled on this. 

The calm the steady beat brought her was short lived. 

“Hey, Kara, you in there?” A voice filtered in through her apartment door and out the window. Floating back inside, she rushed over to open the door, smiling sheepishly at Nia’s raised eyebrow. “What took you so long?”

“Sorry, I was meditating on the roof,” She said, stepping aside for Nia to walk in. She stayed put, confusion evident on her face. 

“You were meditating...on your roof?

“Yeah,” She shrugged, as if that were an everyday occurance. Meditation was a common practice on Krypton, a little different from Earth's standard, but similar enough to feel familiar.

Nia took a few seconds, but recovered quickly enough, breezing past Kara into her apartment. “Okay girl, we need to get you out. You’ve been cooped up in here, working or saving people since the crisis. I know you’re going through some stuff but you need a distraction. A fun one.”

“Um...what sort of distraction?” Kara watched Nia, a little dumbfounded, as she rooted through her open closet, shaking her head at every item of clothing she saw. 

Sifting through the fabric, she finally stopped at a dress Kara had worn once, one she was pretty sure was from when she was infected with Red Kryptonite, cheering enthusiastically. “Saturday night, you, me, some of my friends, we’re hitting the town.”

“Oh, I don’t know Nia,” She immediately protested, though a little weak.

“Come on Kara, when’s the last time you had some fun?” It was spoken with little sympathy, more exasperation. 

“I haven’t had much time or motivation for fun.”

“Well...now you do. The DEO will handle everything Saturday, so you’re fine for time…” Nia said with a devious grin, even adding a little shoulder shimmy. 

“And my motivation?” Kara questioned, eyebrows raised with a little bit of amusement, a little curiosity - expectant. 

“Me. I’m your motivation.”

It wasn’t exactly Kara’s idea of fun, but by Saturday night, once she was dressed up, hair curled by Nia, a little makeup, a dress she felt confident in; she had to admit, it was a little exciting. 

The club they got into, skipping the queue with a few words from Nia, looked, somehow, both like rainbow vomit and the lair of a vampire. Kara didn’t quite know how they fit together, but it strangely worked. Nia’s friends were a little loud, sometimes obnoxiously so, but they were kind, and talked to Kara like she’d been out with them a handful of times. Part of her put that down to pre-drinks and the buzz of the club. 

It didn’t take her long to realise they were in a gay club. From the countless pride flags and the huge number of same-sex couples on the dancefloor, it wasn’t hard to tell. “Is this...a gay club?” She’d asked Nia anyway, when they’d reached the bar and she’d already noticed several women eyeing her up and down. 

“Yeah. Is that cool?”

“It’s fine. I just wondered.” Sexuality wasn’t something she’d thought about all that much. Romance wasn’t something that came easy to her, being an alien from a dead planet, and although sexuality wasn’t anything scandalous back on Krypton, it was easy to slip into the trap of Earth’s heteronormativity. That might’ve been why it took her awhile to get her head around Alex coming out. It took her head even longer to get round her feelings for Lena, but they were _very_ real, so she guessed that made her...not straight. She’d been attracted to women before, but she’d always put it down to simply recognising beauty. Perhaps it was something she should explore.

“I go to gay bars quite a lot, being trans and all. They just feel _safer_ than normal bars. And the gays really know how to have fun,” Grinning, Nia greeted the person behind the bar, ordering them both some kind of cocktail. A ‘Bee’s Knees’ was it? Nia reassured her it was just the right drink for her.  
  
“It does look like they know how to have fun,” Kara smirked, watching a half naked man work the stage across the room.

They squeezed their way through the crowds of people, taking a detour around the dancefloor and meeting back up with Nia’s friends. “I brought some of that alien alcohol with me,” Nia whispered close to her ear so that she could hear her over the music - Lady Gaga she was pretty sure. “Once we find a table we can pour some into your cocktail.”

“I don’t know, Nia. I get drunk pretty quick on that stuff, and what if there’s an emergency?”

“I told you, the DEO has it handled. You’ll be fine.” At Kara’s unconvinced, dubious look, Nia placed a hand on her shoulder. “If you’re uncomfortable with it you don’t have to. But one of the girls has already volunteered to be the designated driver, and you can always stay at mine.”

“Okay. I guess there’s no harm then.”

“Atta girl.”

By the time they were on the dancefloor, Kara had drank three cocktails (Nia was right, they were delicious), each with a considerable amount of Aldebaren rum added. Stepping off towards the bar after a good ten minutes straight of dancing to what sounded like Rupaul, from what she’d heard Nia singing, or watching at her apartment, she stood behind a group of people waiting to order a drink. Before she’d had the chance, she noticed a woman watching her. In the dim lighting, she was a striking resemblance to Lena.

Although she was absolutely certain there was nobody as beautiful as Lena, this girl had the dark hair, the cheekbones, and confidence - if her intense stare was anything to go by. Beckoning to the bartender, she muttered an order, and within a few moments a drink was placed in front of her with a wink. She’d watched enough romantic comedies and knew enough about Earth’s culture to know what that meant. Meeting the woman’s eyes again, she lifted the glass with a smile, taking a sip and humming appreciatively. It was nice, if a little sweet, but Kara did have a sweet tooth. 

Before she could decide what to do from there, the elusive woman was making her way towards her. “Sex On the Beach,” Was all she said, hand placed on the bar, almost bracketing Kara.

Glancing at her arm, and then at the woman before her, Kara raised an eyebrow, feeling a wave of confidence pass over her. “Was that a proposition?”

“If you’d like it to be,” She responded smoothly, before holding out her hand. “Ashley.” 

“Kara,” She took the woman’s palm into her own, noticing the warmth, the gentle grip she offered. All the confidence seemed to slip away as Ashley brushed her fingertips against her wrist as their hands parted, quirking her lips up into a smirk. 

“So, what brings you here tonight?” Taking a seat on the stool next to hers, heeled foot brushing against Kara’s bare leg, she leant her chin against her hand. 

She spent long enough talking to Ashley for Nia to come searching for her, concerned. When she noticed how occupied she was, Kara thought she’d never darted away so fast. 

Kara learnt that Ashley was an artist— _an artist, how cool!_ —and owned a small store where she specialised in sculpture and paint restoration. She sold others work too and got a good profit. They bonded over poetry and books, artworks and music. Kara revealed she’d won a Pulitzer for her journalism and the woman had fawned over her enough for her ego to inflate a little. Still, she blushed. 

Everything was perfect, _she_ was perfect, and yet Kara couldn’t help but notice the things she lacked. A profound scientific knowledge, a love for Star Wars and nsync. A boardroom voice and a sexy eyebrow lift, or dimples and green eyes that looked like the clearest, greenest oceans of a planet she’d once visited with her father. An elegance about her that only somebody from a rich family could hold, and yet still retaining a deep rooted kindness and humbleness that only somebody who had roots elsewhere could hold. A love shared for astronomy, or silly puns and Big Belly Burger. An annoying fond spot for kale and a smile that seemed to light Kara’s nerve endings on fire. 

“You seem a little distracted,” Ashley said after a few moments of silence between them, as Kara stared at a bottle of whiskey behind the bar; some high end brand Lena had in her office for tough days, usually entailing some sort of meeting with imposing men who thought they knew better. 

“I’m sorry, I just...I’ve had a tough few weeks,” She sighed, running a hand over her face. 

“A breakup?” She guessed, hand brushing against Kara’s in what looked like an unintentional way, but the smoulder of her eyes suggested it wasn’t. 

“Something like that.” The defeat in her voice had Ashley straightening up, backing off a little. 

“Hey, if you’re not up for anything tonight, I can give you my number? I think your friends want you back, anyway,” She smiled warmly, pointing out Nia and her group not so far away, watching them. 

“Uh...are you sure?” It felt like a bit of a dick move, taking up her time and then dashing off. But Ashley seemed understanding, and Kara didn’t think she could sit there and continue to spot flaws in Ashley; all at the _lack_ of something somebody else had. It was wrong.

“Of course. You better call me, though,” She teased, accepting Kara’s phone and typing in her details. 

“I will.” Kara gave her a goofy smile, feeling her cheeks grow warm when a pair of lips pressed against the side of her mouth, soft and lingering. “Thanks for tonight. I’ve really enjoyed talking to you.” 

“You too, Kara.” 

They didn’t stay all that long afterwards. Nia had questioned her about the mystery woman who stole her away, but she was much more interested in drinking more rum; the thought of Lena still plaguing her mind. They danced some more, talked amongst themselves, and Kara enjoyed herself. She did. It’s just, she felt misplaced amongst all the cheering and the relaxed smiles. Hers felt tense, forced at times. There was something missing.

Like a blank space. Or an empty spot in your apartment when you move a piece of furniture that’s been there for years. Kara no longer knew what it was, there were too many options. She knew the absence of Lena had something to do with it, but it felt more profound than that.

Rather than the absence of a person, it felt like the absence of a state of being. Of emotions or feelings. Of a part of herself that was so familiar to the character of Kara Danvers. Perhaps that was why it was so easy to slip into the role of hero, and leave behind that core part of her identity; because parts of it were missing. 

Not forever. She recognised they weren’t things that, once missing, would never come back. But it felt like such a great shift that she hardly knew how to act like herself, and found herself questioning whether she knew herself at all. Who was Kara Danvers? People might have called her an optimist; an enthusiastic, warm, bubbly person. All she could see now was a glass half empty, the greyness amongst the blue skies, and exude a quiet coldness. Perhaps she was caring, helpful, a warm shoulder and a strong embrace when needed. However, she’d lost the woman she cherished _being_ that person for, and had distanced herself from everybody else. She could list a thousand characteristics of what she thought made up Kara Danvers, only to realise they were absent.

This identity crisis led to a whole plethora of complications. How could she move forwards when her identity had cracked, smashed into parts. Perhaps therapy was how she’d put those parts back together. Perhaps she never would. A person could only endure so much, be broken so many times, before the parts no longer stuck. 

Once they stepped outside, the fresh air hitting her reddened cheeks, Kara exhaled and watched as her breath turned to a swirl of mist drifting upwards into the night. Everything felt hazy, off-kilter and slightly blurry. Nia was in the doorway, talking to somebody from inside, rather drunk herself, and she took the opportunity to bring up the contacts on her phone, thumb sloppily typing in a familiar name - habit to her joints.

She brought it to her ear, and listened as it rang and _rang,_ the noise of rejection and betrayal echoing even when it stopped ringing. The voicemail beep had her scrambling for words, almost physically falling off the curb. “ _Hey_ Lena.” 

Rubbing the back of her neck and kicking at a pebble on the floor, Kara took in a deep breath, images of Lena sat at her desk beneath dim lighting; bringing out the sharp features of her face. “I saw this girl at the bar and she looked just like you! I thought it _was_ you at first, but why would you be in a random gay bar? Not that you shouldn’t be, but the press would have a field trip with that one.”

She looked back at Nia, still chatting away to the person, who she noted had long, purple dreads and face paint smeared all the way down his face, blue, pink and white. The colours looked so pretty to her in that moment, that she almost forgot the phone pressed against her ear.

 _“Anyway,_ just thought you should know I miss you. And the girl who looked like you, she’s called Ashley by the way...Ashley’s way less pretty than the name Lena, I know you didn’t choose your name but did you know Lena means ‘she that allures’ in Latin. I can see that, you can be quite alluring,” She chuckled to herself sadly, feeling a deep ache. A loss. An emptiness. “And it’s symbolic for sunlight and moonlight. The name Lena always reminds me of the moon, as do you, but I think you’re more like my sun.

“I just wish-” A resounding beep cut off her train of thought, and she looked down to see that the call had ended. 

Shaking away the tears that’d gathered at her lash line, she waited for Nia to finish her conversation before joining her. “Come on, I’ve called an Uber. Jenny fell short on her promise to be the DD and drank half her weight in vodka.” 

“That’s s’lot of vodka,” She slurred, almost tripping, only saved by Nia’s arm wrapping around her waist. 

“So, what was with that woman at the bar?” Nia urged, a cheeky glint in her eyes. She wasn’t quite as drunk as Kara, but drunk enough to be giddy. That was her natural disposition, she supposed. “You’ve been quiet about her all night. She was cute.” 

“She’s not Lena.” 

She heard Nia’s intake of breath and did everything to avoid her pitiful stare. 

The next morning, the only evidence of the night before was the heaviness of her limbs, a pounding in her skull, and a few text messages. She looked through them as she stepped into the sunlight streaming through Nia’s living room window; feeling the weight on her body lift slightly, and her head begin to clear. It was only seven thirty, and as she read Alex’s texts asking if she’d gotten home okay and hadn’t done something she wouldn’t, she noticed a notification that had her heart stopping. 

Within a second it sped up significantly, looking at her phone screen, at the four letter word above a few more words she was too terrified and too shocked to read. _Lena._ Taking in a deep breath and glancing at the city below, a little different from her usual morning view, and significantly different from the view in Lena’s office, she opened the notification. 

_Delete my number._   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I make an OC tag for Ashley 🤭 jk...unless?
> 
> I hope the absence of Lena isn’t making the story drag or feel like you’re reading filler chapters. None of this is intended as fillers. I feel like to acknowledge Kara’s absence of Lena, you gotta experience it yourselves (namely bc it’s from Kara’s narrative, but also bc it mimics what she’s going through, I feel like I’m getting too deep here). If it’s something you’re not enjoying that much, I’ll make sure to include her some more. I’ve had this one scene with her I’ve pushed back two chapters so I’m already planning to include her more anyway :) let me know what u think x


	5. Crossing The Monkey Bars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At times like this, she might’ve spoken to Lena, who understood what it was like to miss a mother’s touch, a mother’s love. She often had to remind herself she couldn’t do that anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for the delay. I didn’t plan to leave it this long but I’ve been relatively busy lately and when I’m not busy I’m just really tired/unmotivated so...this has taken a while. I hope you enjoy regardless.

  
Hands gripping the cold ceramic of the sink, Kara took a deep breath and messed with her bangs. They wouldn’t sit right. She’d ruffled them at least ten times, continuing to stare at her reflection as each strand seemed misplaced. Her eyes strayed to the scar beside her eyebrow, the light freckles on her cheeks, the lines beside her eyes from years of laughing. They seemed wrong on her face now. Like the weeks of not laughing should’ve erased them; with acidic tears to wash away the imprints. But they were still there, no matter how hard she tried to rub them away with her index finger, staring at the mirror until her features seemed squashed together and then too far apart. 

Her frustrated groan echoed around the bathroom as she shifted her bangs once more, before turning on her reflection altogether. 

“Kara, you good in there?” Alex’s concern drifted through the door, breaking the relative silence and echoing against the walls. 

“Yeah, I’ll be out now,” She shouted back, drying her still damp hands on the hand towel; a soft cotton with a yellow, floral print. 

The music went from distorted and distant to loud and vibrant as she stepped out of the bathroom, heading over to the others; sat around her table laughing amongst one another. The image looked wrong. A puzzle with a missing piece. 

“Hey, can you get me a beer?” Alex asked with puppy eyes, something she’d learnt from her sister no doubt, despite being the oldest.

“Fine,” Kara groaned out, rolling her eyes and changing her course towards the kitchen area. 

She allowed herself a moment to ground herself, away from the laughter and the noise (though not far, considering the open design of her home) as she grabbed two beers, popping off the top of the bottles with her thumbs. This was the first game night she’d had since the crisis, hosted in her own home for comfort. Kelly said it’d be a good transition if it was in her own space. It was nice, but she felt a little overwhelmed. She was scared the dynamic she had with her might’ve changed; gotten complicated or awkward since their therapy sessions, but it wasn’t. There was a little awkwardness on her part at first, but Kelly had been the same; teasing, kind, and had reminded Kara she was a friend before a therapist. 

Inhaling deeply, she put on a smile - soft and genuine (as genuine as she could muster) - before turning back to the others. 

“So, monopoly?” Kara asked as she took her seat besides Nia after passing over Alex’s beer. 

“Yes!” Nia cheered, along with hums of agreement from the others. 

Kara took her Scottie dog and tried to focus on the game. She laughed when appropriate, cheered as she landed on a property she wanted, made fun of Alex when she landed in jail with her top hat. Yet, she felt distant. Like she wasn’t really in the room with everybody else. Perhaps it was due to her wandering mind; focusing on Argo and Lena sat at her desk, alone, unsmiling, her cat shoved to the bottom of the monopoly box, untouched. She pictured it gathering dust. 

She checked her phone, once, twice, expecting an apology message about being held up at L-Corp. Instead, her notifications were empty, and she was hit by the stark reminder that no such message would light up her screen. Lena might never attend another game night again. Her perfect game night partner missing from the game. 

“You doing okay, Kara?” Nia hushed, placing a palm against her shoulder. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Tonight’s been fun.” 

She seemed mildly unconvinced, but smiled anyway, relaxing beside her. It _was_ nice. She felt warmed by the smiles and laughter, felt like she’d gained a little bit of herself back through the comfort of her friends, but she also, strangely, longed for silence and emptiness. Longed for her own space again. For the chance to let her mask crumble. More importantly, she longed for Lena’s presence with them. That extra light, that extra laugh and dazzling smile might’ve made it feel okay. 

Allowing herself a second to linger over the album she kept on her camera roll for pictures of herself and Lena, without opening it, she traced a hovering finger over the outline of her features. She only stopped when she realised how pathetic it seemed.

By the time they got to charades, Kara had placed her phone on the side face down and was joining in animatedly. Nia and herself were coming in second behind Alex and Kelly, closing in on them with only a few points gap. A brief thought that if it were her and Lena they’d be winning struck her, but _no,_ she’d been at the back of her mind for the past ten minutes, she didn’t need her at the forefront _again._

They didn’t win in the end, and Kara was back to moping as everyone settled into comfortable chatter. Game nights didn’t feel fun anymore. They didn’t feel like game nights, but an obligatory event she had to sit through unwillingly. 

The little bubble they’d surrounded themselves with, despite Kara being close to the edge - half in, half out - was burst by the sound of sirens and the cackle of a voice Kara could make out, announcing potential fatalities in a fire a few blocks over.

“Go get em, Supergirl,” Alex said with a pat on the back as she stood at the window, clad in her super suit, only looking back once before flying off. In some ways she was thankful for the reprieve; until she landed at the scene and saw the damage. 

Without hesitation, she flew into the building, a thick layer of smoke already rising from the windows. She could feel the heat on her skin, uncomfortable but not harmful, and the itching at the back of her throat. It didn’t take Kara long to find residents trapped behind burning doors, on their knees and cowering. One by one she flew them out amidst the efforts of the fire department showering water on the apartment complex. 

She was sure she’d gotten all of the people, and prepared to help blow the fire out, before a young girl was tugging at her sleeve - eleven, maybe twelve - sobbing, yelling out between choked breaths, “My mom- my mom, she’s not here!” The frantic look in her eyes, the break of her voice, the tears; it reminded her so much of herself when she’d lost her own family. Her own mother. Kara looked back to the building and saw her planet turning to ash. 

More than anything she wanted to fly away from the reminder, the girl crying out for her mother far too familiar. And yet, she had a duty to these people. To this little girl and her mother, in spite of her own burdens. 

She barely scanned the building before leaping back inside, the air caught in her lungs as she searched through the haze. Her x-ray vision picked up a figure a few apartments away from her, huddled in a corner, easy to miss. Kara scolded herself for missing her beforehand, rushing into the home with a sense of urgency as she found the woman and lifted her gently. “My daughter. I sent her on her way and came back for the dog. Is she okay? Is she out? Is-“

“Your daughter’s safe. She sent me back in for you.” 

Finding the safest route out, away from the flames, Kara watched as the little girl ran up to them; grabbing her coughing mother with a sense of urgency. She watched as they cried and smiled in relief, gripping onto each other to avoid slipping away. A startling reflection of landing on Argo and seeing the woman she had thought was dead for over a decade of her life. 

“Thank you so much for getting me to my daughter,” The woman was crying, salt tears of happiness, relief. Kara could feel her own tears gathering at her lash line, and could only bring herself to smile softly. 

“Are you okay?” It was a strange question to hear directed at Supergirl. Especially by a citizen who had just almost lost their life. Something about it resonated within her, sparked an answer of honesty. 

“It just…reminds me of my mother.” Shaking the tears away and straightening her posture, Supergirl regarded them with a sad smile. “Hold onto each other. Cherish every moment you have together.”

When she got back to the apartment, soot covered, hair wet and limp from the water, the others were still there; sat around her table and greeting her with smiles and warm words. Kara wanted nothing more than to be alone. “I- do you think we could call it a night?” 

They floundered for a moment, looking at the time to see it was at least an hour earlier than the usual agreed time, and even earlier than people actually left (game nights could get carried away sometimes) granted there was no interruption from something extraterrestrial. “Yeah, sure,” Alex spoke up first, eyeing Kara with concern. 

Once everybody started gathering their things, Alex placed a palm on her shoulder, narrowly avoiding the dirt. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“Yes, and no, I’m good. Just...a fire, there was a fatality before I got there. And, it can be tiring. So I think I’m going to head to bed,” She shrugged, pulling at her cape and twisting it up in her grasp. 

“You sure you don’t want me to stay for a bit? Talk? About the fire, or literally _anything_ else?”

Kara looked behind her to see Kelly, waiting by the door with Alex’s coat over her arm. “No, it’s okay.”

She hesitated, seemed like she was going to push further, before relenting. “Okay, well call me if you need anything, or want to chat, or change your mind. Love you.” Pressing a kiss to her temple, Alex began backing away, if a little reluctantly. 

“Love you too. Bye, Alex.” 

Once everyone had left, the feeling of silence in the air, Kara poured herself some Aldebaran rum, what was left of it from her night out with Nia. It sloshed against her glass, breaking the quiet. Her feet shuffled against the floor as she made her way over to the window, glancing out at the darkness with almost a wistful, sad smile. 

A part of her wished she’d reached out to Kelly before they’d left. Or even messaged her afterwards to talk about it and process it all. But she didn’t want to be a burden outside of their therapy time. And reaching out to Alex would most likely result in Kelly finding out and talking to her anyway. They had lives outside of Kara’s mess; they didn’t need to be dragged into it.

At times like this, she might’ve spoken to Lena, who understood what it was like to miss a mother’s touch, a mother’s love. She often had to remind herself she couldn’t do that anymore. She couldn’t message her when things felt a little too much, a little too overwhelming. She couldn’t bustle into L-Corp with lunch and a person to talk to, even if just to take her mind away from things. At moments like this; all Kara wanted to do was forget. 

And so she drank the Aldebaran rum, pushing down the inkling that maybe it was a bad idea; especially if there was an emergency, and stared out at the city with a sense of hopelessness. 

The traces of mess left behind from the others was a reminder of the emptiness of her apartment. Sometimes she wondered if it was reckless, pushing people away at moments where she might’ve needed them most. Kelly had talked over it with her, how she thrived with others but pushed them away whenever she felt her most vulnerable. It felt different with Lena. Like she didn’t need to push her away, keep up this superhero charade. Now that was gone and being alone felt better than burdening others. 

* * *

She had yet to talk to Lena face to face following the crisis. Despite the deep longing to see her safe and smiling, or even safe and intense, angry, _something,_ Kelly had said to give her space, wait for Lena to come to _her_. It was hard to do that when she wasn’t coming to her. She hated not being in control of the situation, but knew that Lena needed that if there was ever going to be any form of relationship between them again. Even if they were only acquaintances. 

She’d been thinking over and over something Kelly had said in one of their sessions: ‘Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.’ Kara didn’t think she could let go of Lena. Not now, not in a few months, not ever. The idea seemed...like giving up. Like attending the funeral of somebody alive and well. Perhaps it was letting go of the experience, rather than Lena herself. But she knew that wasn’t her place, it wasn’t her decision. Ultimately, Lena had the power. 

So when Lena nearly died, pushed off the balcony of L-Corp, much like the time before, yelling out a single word, _Kara,_ she was sure she broke the sound barrier. Having Lena in her arms, even with the circumstance, felt like flying for the first time and breaking her arm all at once. Thrilling, yet entirely too painful. 

When they touched down, she had hardly any time to bask in the warmth of the other woman before she was dealing with the men that’d pushed her off the balcony. If she broke an arm here, a nose there, she’d blame it on a miscalculation of strength. There were three of them after all, and it was hard to keep up with how much force she was using when each of them were coming at her. 

Once they were dealt with, a heap of black material and masculine groans, the police on the way, Kara immediately turned towards Lena and approached her without a moment's hesitation. “I’m glad you’re safe.” 

Seeing her up close, catching the scent of her perfume and fabric softener, the aroma of her hair products, the warmth that surrounded her entire being despite the icy walls she tried to fortify around her, it was like Christmas. Like Lena was the one thing she’d been asking for, in the form of a person. A person who was currently avoiding eye contact at all costs. 

“Thanks to you,” She mustered up a half smile, looking at the palms of her hands.

“Of course, I’ll always save you.” It must’ve been the wrong thing to say, because Lena instantly straightened up; back stiffening and mouth twisting into a frown. _Good one, Supergirl._

There were a few seconds of stagnant silence. Kara hated how awkward it felt. How stiff. She didn’t want to go back to pleading; it’d only lead to tears and Lena getting colder and colder. Kelly had said to give her _space_. Yet, seeing her so close, close enough to touch, to smell, to study every little thing about her she’d missed...Kara couldn’t help the words from coming out. It was the wholehearted truth. 

“Look, _Supergirl_. I was there for you when you needed it like you were there for me when I needed it,” Lena started, taking a step back; creating a safe distance between them. The name stung, she couldn’t quite hold the hurt back from shining through her features. She could feel the inevitable. It was like a sensation, a wave of energy that exuded from Lena from the slightest change in facial expression or body language. Perhaps Kara had spent so much time studying Lena’s every quirk that she knew anything by a simple straightening of the back. “This doesn't mean- I can't...things can't go back to normal.” 

“I understand that,” Kara conceded with a nod, looking down at her feet as she scuffed her boots against the floor and played with the loop on her suit sleeves. “I just…I-“ _I miss you._ No. She couldn’t do that to her. It was entirely too selfish. 

Looking up, she caught Lena’s eye. Could see the conflict in them. Could see the reservations, the iciness, but also a hesitance, a raging war between two opposing sides. Perhaps one of them was telling Lena to kick her out. The other telling Lena to keep her there for longer. Kara came to the conclusion that Lena’s last words were decision enough.

The police were making their way up; the static of their walkie talkies and heavy footsteps heard from the elevator ten floors down. “I’ll see you around, Lena. Stay safe.” She turned before she allowed the depths of her emotions to reflect on her face. Before she allowed tears to track down her cheeks like silent apologies. 

A part of her hoped Lena would call out her name, tell her to _wait_ and tug at her arm until they were face to face and she was _really_ looking at her. Tell her it was okay. That she’d forgiven her. That they could go back to how they were before and everything was going to be okay. 

Kara only got the sound of retreating heels, making their way into Lena’s office.

* * *

Drumming her fingers against her desk, article open and waiting to be written, Kara stared at her phone. More specifically, at the words in the text message bar.

She’d been agonising over her encounter with Lena all day. Thinking of every word, analysing each detail; the tone of her voice, the physical contact, whether or not she’d made their situation worse _somehow_ , drawing up blanks. Frankly, she couldn’t really remember much of what happened. She remembered what it felt like to carry Lena, to feel her warmth. She remembered the infliction in her voice that revealed the walls so artfully built up. She remembered the look in her eyes. The startling colour of them and their almost manic wideness from the adrenaline of being pushed off her balcony. The most obvious memory was the smell of the morning air moulding with her perfume. 

“ _Damnit,_ ” She muttered under her breath, shaking away the thoughts she knew would plague her for weeks. It was better before. Before she’d seen her, touched her, smelt her. Now there were fresh memories at the forefront of her mind; like salt added to a reopened wound. 

Perhaps she needed another distraction. Amongst all the other distractions. Hitting send, Kara placed her phone face down on the desk, resuming her article. Within ten minutes her phone was dinging with a new message notification and only five words had been added to the document. 

_Hi Kara, I’m glad you got in touch, I was beginning to think you’d forgotten all about me. I’d love to hangout sometime. How does tomorrow sound?_

Toying with her glasses, Kara searched for a response. _Tomorrow sounds good :)_

Nia’s idea of a distraction sounded infinitely better than sitting in her apartment alone, trying to finish some fluff piece she didn’t want to write. And with the added bonus of some company, Kara hoped she could find some comfort in Ashley. 

That night she tried to feel excited about the next day. About the thought of dancing and drinking, of getting to know somebody knew; something Kara loved doing. Instead, she couldn’t help but replay the sound of retreating heels, and wonder what they’d sound like moving closer, rather than further away. She was starting to forget what that sounded like.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my heart wasn’t 100% in some parts of this so I hope it doesn’t fall short! I love this story and want to continue and I think I’ll be pretty active in writing in the next few weeks but I’ve had some changes lately so sorry if this one isn’t quite as good. Let me know what you thought anyway xo


	6. Safety or Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere, Kara couldn’t help but hope there was more. That the pain then, would be part of the happiness later. That the sun was shining somewhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I have no excuse apart from a lack of motivation, a week long trip before lockdown, and a laziness in lockdown. Sorry for the wait and I hope everyone’s safe!

  
The first thing Kara noticed once she’d melded together the bridge with a little too much strain on her heat vision was that she was suddenly losing altitude. Or more accurately, that the sea was rushing towards her. Before she had the chance to even try to fly upwards, she was submerged beneath the water; gasping in a lungful of salt as the freezing shock hit her system. Pushing her legs—which felt significantly weaker—upwards, she rose to the surface, spluttering as she tried to intake a breath of oxygen. 

“ _Supergirl? Supergirl? Do you read?”_

“Yeah-” Interrupted by a series of coughs, Kara tried to stay afloat as Alex’s voice came through her comms. “I think I just solarflared.” 

So that’s how she ended up beneath the sun lamps, back stiff against the metal bed beneath her as Alex fussed about using too much heat vision and placing herself in a situation where she became vulnerable. “Okay, okay. I get it.” 

“No, Kara, I don’t think you do. You cannot afford to put yourself at risk like that!” Alex reprimanded, voice stern as she paced about the room, arms crossed tightly. 

“So I was supposed to let the bridge, and the hundred people on it, fall to their deaths? I’m fine. They wouldn’t have been.” She was still shivering from the cold of the sea, so the steel in her voice was less effective with the chattering of her teeth. 

“You _have_ to be careful. You’re not completely invulnerable,” She reminded, finally stopping beside her head with concern etched into her forehead. 

“I’m okay, Alex,” Kara placed a palm against her arm, recognising the worry in her sister's voice. She felt the same whenever Alex got herself into dangerous situations (although she was a little more sensible than Kara, perhaps because of her vulnerability) so she understood. 

“And what if you were thirty feet above concrete?” 

“But I wasn’t…” 

“Kara.”

“ _Alex_.”

Her sister released a puff of air, glaring down at Kara with stern features. She’d stopped pacing in favour of staring silently at her. 

“I’m okay, aren’t I? In a few days my powers will come back and everything will go back to normal,” She tried to reassure, voice tinted with hope. It seemed to have no impact on Alex’s anxious frown. 

“What if there’s an emergency?” 

“You guys can handle it. The DEO handled everything before me, and now they’ve got you as the director, Nia, Brainy, the list goes on.” Kara tried to win her sister over with a bashful smile, but Alex remained guarded.

“If you get sick, I am _not_ coming over to your apartment and babying you,” Alex said without a hint of a joke. 

“That’s fine with me.” Thinking of Lena walking into her apartment with soup, Kara became a little saddened. If only she’d been there to receive it last time. 

Staying under the sun lamps for a while longer under the directors strict orders, Kara didn’t realise it’d already reached 6:30 by the time she made it home. Feeling a weariness deep in her bones, she messaged Ashley postponing their meeting by a couple of days. 

The all too familiar feeling of a heaviness washed over her. The want to curl up and never rise from her bed nagged at the back of her brain. She thought over her last session with Kelly, where they’d spoken of Krypton and the traumas it’d left behind in her veins; seeing it explode. There were ways to work through it. And yet it seemed inevitable that it would stick with her forever.

Everything felt dulled—all her senses, all her bodily processes—apart from her pain. Somehow, the lack of the steel protection she wore, made everything feel a little worse. Or perhaps it was just another rough night. 

Although she generally felt better since talking to Kelly, the process was too slow. The pace of a snail. A long stroll through a forest where you couldn’t see the exit, only more trees and more darkness. Realistically she knew she didn’t _need_ anybody to get her though this. Only herself. But the idea of having Lena back in her life, it seemed like the only way she’d move forward. Being reliant on somebody else had never sat right with her. Perhaps it wasn’t relying on Lena to get her through, but to speed up the process. That seemed like a better explanation.

As she slumped on her bed, languid and heavy, she thought of space. Just an empty expanse of darkness. She was floating, seemingly free, but unable to control the ways she drifted. Trapped in an open expense of nothing. That’s how she fell asleep, thinking of nothing. 

* * *

“So, Ms Hotshot Reporter, what does a usual day entail when you’re working on a story?” 

It was eight o’clock, and Kara sat across from Ashley, feeling the effects of a single glass of wine, which otherwise produced no effects. Perhaps it was due to a lack of tolerance to the alcohol from her outstanding tolerance with powers. She felt too vulnerable like this. 

Kara laughed awkwardly - a little louder than appropriate - tugging on her glasses as she ran her straw around the edge of her glass. “It depends on the story, really. Or how much information I’m given. If it’s just a fluff piece I might have a little interview, or if it’s something bigger, like the Lex Luthor expose...well I flew to Kaznia for that one.” 

“Wow. All the way to Kaznia?” 

“All the way to Kaznia,” She nodded, reminiscent of the bliss of working with Lena as herself. Not Supergirl, in their awkward attempts at remaining civil. But as Kara. Her best friend. 

As Ashley began to speak of how impressive it was (or something along those lines) Kara thought of the nights they spent eating Big Belly Burger, routing through evidence and trying to find clues as to Lex’s whereabouts. Their brainstorming and late nights only brought them closer after a slight rift in their friendship.

It might’ve been dishonourable; thinking of another woman when there was one right in front of her, but she couldn’t help the natural direction her thoughts took her. Of drawn out hugs and little touches here and there, that Lena learned from her, being such a withdrawn person interacting with an intimate person such as herself. Of their time working side by side. She didn’t think they’d ever work that way together again. 

She found herself beginning to sadden, and quickly focused on what the woman in front of her was saying. “...close did you get to Lex Luthor?” 

“Uh, not too close,” She squeaked, never having been good at lying. 

“What about his sister?” Leaning closer, a hint of intrigue in her voice, Ashley almost whispered the question. The moment Lena had begun to filter out of her mind, she was being forced back in. 

“Oh...Lena.” Kara suddenly stiffened, leaning back a little. Ashley must’ve noticed the shift, because she eyed her wearily. 

“You know her?” It seemed a little prying. Like the sort of reporters Kara tried to distinguish herself from. 

“Yeah, we um- we used to be close friends,” She said in response, hoping it was enough to move on from the subject, but Ashley seemed to be persistent. 

“What happened?” She was moving back into Kara’s space, and suddenly she felt stifled. Trapped almost. Crowded. She hoped Ashley’s phone, face down on the table they were sitting at, would start ringing. 

“We fell out.” Was all she managed to get out. 

“How do you become friends with someone like Lena?” Ashley asked in wonder. It felt like they were talking too much about her, and ought to start talking about something else. 

“How do you mean?” Thoughts instantly rushing to prejudices against her family, Kara became defensive. 

“Well...you know, the fact that she runs a multi-billion dollar company.” The relief she felt wasn’t as large as she thought it’d be. Perhaps a part of her wished for something from Ashley that would darken her character, and allow Kara to go back to her pining for somebody who didn’t want anything to do with her. Still, she seemed as light as ever. 

“I interviewed her for an article, and it went from there.” The talk of Lena was beginning to become uncomfortable. Like rubbing salt in a wound which was nowhere near healed. 

_Supergirl, come in._ A sudden interruption from her comms had Kara panicking. “Um, I’m gonna head to the bathroom.” 

“Okay.” Ashley seemed a little guilty, like she’d forced the departure. Kara would’ve stopped to reassure if Alex wasn’t talking in her ear again. 

“What’s wrong?” She hushed, weaving between patrons and making her way to the women’s toilets.

“Lena Luthor is-”

“Where is she? L-Corp? Her apartment? What’s happened?” Kara rushed out, an urgency in her voice as she stopped dead in her tracks.

“Kara, if you’d breathe and let me talk…” Alex reprimanded, frustration evident in her voice. It was enough to tell Kara that despite everything, Alex still cared about the youngest Luthor, in her own way. It was a comfort, to know she wasn’t the only one to have to hold the burden of a friend being in danger. 

“Okay, sorry. What’s happened?”

“We have reason to believe she’s being held at gunpoint in her office, by a man who claims Lex killed his father. The police were contacted by her guards.” A silence passed between them as Kara registered the information, pulse quickening as a feeling of nausea passed over her. 

“Okay, I’m heading right over. L-Corp is only a few blocks over. If I run I’ll be there in five minutes,” She answered, already heading back towards Ashley to say her goodbyes. 

“Are you sure that’s wise, Supergirl? What with your... _condition_.” 

“The gunman isn’t going to know that. Is there some sort of ransom he’s asking for? Is it just revenge?”

“That’s unclear as of yet. I’ll update you if we hear anything more.” There was another pause before Alex was pleading with a soft voice. “Please be safe.”

Kara dismissed herself from Ashley with the excuse of a family emergency, promising to text her later on. She was nice about it, understanding. With no time to linger on it, she rushed out of the building, sprinting as fast as humanly possible towards where she knew L-Corp was. She could see it, raised higher than the buildings surrounding it, iridescent in the darkness. It seemed like some sort of beacon. A North Star she had to follow. 

The closer she got, the more her nerves peaked. The image of Lena, trembling, a gun pressed against her scalp, was enough to get Kara, without regard to the few people around her, to race towards the location, a ticking bomb in the back of her mind. Stripping out of her clothes in an alley near by, Supergirl took over the rest of the run. 

L-Corp was eerily quiet at night, especially when there were few guards in the lobby and no staff wandering about. Kara felt stifled in the elevator, like time was ticking and she had no control of the situation. It would’ve been so much easier to fly through the balcony windows, and suddenly she was aware of how much reliance she had on her powers. Aware of how weak she was right now. How vulnerable. It was nerve wracking. Lena’s life was in the hands of somebody who could no longer protect her without risking injury to the both of them. How stupid she was. However, reason hadn’t led her here and it wouldn’t dictate how the night would go. She was running on pure desperation. 

Lena’s guards were stood outside, on guard, guns at their sides. They briefed Supergirl on what had happened, and how they were forced outside with threats of shooting the CEO. When Kara walked inside, the gunman instantly raised the weapon to Lena’s head, raising a palm and shouting at her to leave. 

Her palms were sweating as she urged him to calm down, a lump in her throat as she met Lena’s eyes, full of fear and hope. 

“Lex Luthor murdered my father, he needs to pay.” The gun shifted, pressing into Lena’s temple, and Kara instinctively shifted a little closer, pleading with her eyes. She watched Lena wince as the muzzle was pressed harder, no doubt leaving an impression on her skin. Kara was shocked she hadn’t been shot yet. Perhaps she’d been calculated in the way she spoke, what she allowed him to indulge in.

“Lena is _not_ Lex,” She tried to reason, hearing the shakiness in her own voice resonate around the room. 

“She’s the closest thing to him,” He snarled, tightening his grip around her shoulders. 

“Lex has attempted to murder Lena more than the people like you with vendettas against the Luthors. You would be doing him a favour.” 

“Stop trying to turn this around so _she’s_ the victim!” The gun was suddenly facing her, his fingers pale white with his desperate grip, as if he was scared to drop it. Kara could imagine the sweat on his palms making it harder to hold. Could see the shake in them, and a hint of resignation in his eyes. He looked young. Barely an adult. She knew the pain of a parent being taken away from her. Knew what was running through his mind. What she would give to have somebody other than her people to blame the death of her parents on. 

“Lena is _good._ She's saved me countless times, saved the world, saved _you_.” 

Supergirl’s outstretched hand was shaking, a fist clenched behind her back as she tried to remain composed. To remain strong, despite the weight of gravity on her shoulders. Lena’s eyes were focused on her quivering hand, eyebrows lifting slightly.

Kara could see his grip on the gun slackening, the pale white fingers turning a light pink. “He killed my father.” 

“Lena helped put him behind bars because of that.” Supergirl reasoned, taking a step closer. “Murdering her will achieve nothing. Only more hurt.” 

“Why do you Supers get to dictate justice? You’re a fraud in a cape. Superman didn’t stop Lex Luthor until the damage had been done.” 

“I’m just a woman, trying to do good with what I’ve been given. The same as Lena.” She took the time to study the Luthor then, to meet her eyes. They were filled with fear, shiny with unshed tears, but there was a slither of hope there. The gunman cursed, shaking his head as she tried to clear the tears clouding his own vision. Tried to get his grip back on the weapon. “I didn’t ask for these powers, the same as Lena didn’t ask for her last name. She is innocent, and you are choosing to follow the path that Lex Luthor chose. Violence.” 

With one last curse at the ground, Kara felt the gun being pressed into her hand, and saw the way Lena’s whole body deflated as he released her. 

Within seconds Lena’s guards rushed forwards and tackled the man to the ground as he went limp with resignation. Kara took the opportunity to rush towards the CEO, hands still shaking, to assess for any injuries with her limited sight. “Are you okay,” She breathed, hovering over the imprint on her temple with her forefinger, before remembering her place and taking a step back. The urge to hold her close and keep her from harm was a strong one, but not one that couldn’t be managed. Although painfully. 

“Are _you_ okay?” Lena retaliated, raising her eyebrows in the same way she did before. The ice in her voice was thwarted by the shock of what had happened. Instead it was more of a breathless jab. 

“I’m fine. You were the one held at gunpoint.” 

Lena didn’t comment on the shakiness anymore, having already alluded to it. 

“It’s not my first assassination attempt, as you’re aware. I’m sure my guards can take it from here.” She said, the dismissal clear in the words, as well as her tone. Even her body language; feet facing away, arms folded across her chest to create a barrier between them. Visually closed off, as well as mentally. 

“Lena, I never meant to-“

“You never meant to what, Supergirl?” She cut her off, voice harsh and biting. It seemed to disrupt the particles in the air. Dust, visible under the light, although a lot less detailed with her dormant powers, seemed to retract away from her. Against the force of the sentence. 

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” She said finally, feeling entirely too human to keep her thoughts at bay. To hide the encompassing sadness that had overtaken her entire soul, her entire _being_ since everything seemed to go wrong. A flash of hurt passed across Lena’s face, before that familiar stone cold iciness replaced it. 

“You should’ve considered that before doing the exact thing I told you would be the only thing to hurt me.” Lena quipped, voice void of the emotion that’d laced every syllable when they’d last spoken of this, in the Fortress. “My Kryptonite.”

“I know, I know, Lena I just-”

“I told you my guards had it handled, didn’t I? Your work here is done, Supergirl,” She reiterated through clenched teeth, already turning away. It seemed Lena would never stop walking away from her. 

That night, Kara woke to the sensation of a sticky warmth on her fingers, the sight of a deep red liquid coating her hands, on the floor, coming from Lena’s stiff, cold head. Breathing deeply, staring at her hands until they returned to their normal image, Kara felt tears sliding down her cheeks. 

She had to do something. If Lena was going to continue to treat her with indifference, she didn’t think she could go on interacting with her as Supergirl. As much as she wished for those small moments of contact, of communication, it felt even more damaging, having a small taste before it was ripped away again. 

There had to be more, or nothing at all. Kara felt as if she were at a crossroads between choosing safety, or suffering. Either path could be either one. She didn’t know what _else_ she could do. She was powerless. 

Somewhere, Kara couldn’t help but hope there was more. That the pain then, would be part of the happiness later. That the sun was shining somewhere else, somewhere in the future, somewhere in the now. Somewhere where she could breathe without feeling the loss of everyone she had loved, did love, and will love.

But there was only the darkness of her room, and the pain in her heart, that seemed could never be lifted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed and this eased part of the boredom of quarantine if you’re staying inside, which you should be. Stay home don’t be silly xo


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